Why did I defend the men who hurt me

The allegations of sexual aggression against Neil Gaiman led the author to present texts by Scarlett Pavlovich that he says ‘demonstrating’ their relationship was consensual. A woman explains why she sent similar messages to men who hurt her.

Sarah Grace is pseudonym.

WWhen the story entered my community that I was doing homemade teen porn for a 32 -year -old man, I woke up with a message from him saying that he had received about 20 lost calls from a member of my family at night. Panic, I called a Uber to return to my parents’ house, which I had recently moved at the first time at 17. “I started!” I exclaimed them. “It’s not his fault, I started everything.” I was trying to cool the situation and make it look like it was not as big as it seemed to say aloud my consent and, to my surprise, I got it.

Less than a year later, when I left the hospital after a suicide attempt, I sent a message to my first rapist (not the same man) saying, “Okay, don’t blame yourself, I love you.”

In either case, I was acting for fear of losing my relationship with these men. Not because they were safe partners who treated me with care and respect, not because I even enjoyed being with them, but because of the sense of elevation and very necessary attention, I thought these relationships offered me. Let us explain.

When all this started, I was 17 years old. I was a virgin who just kissed a boy, was incredibly shy with my body and was sure I wouldn’t be naked with anyone before I could convince the government that I needed them to pay for my breast reduction (they had already denied a statement). I still lived with my parents, had just tried a cigarette for the first time (then vomiting) and answered the most teenage indignation to those who didn’t include me in their adult activities.

I felt like being on the brink of adulthood and was desperate to dive on the edge and ward off any statement that I was still a teenager who needed care and guidance. Despite my insecurities, I had a lot of enthusiasm and emotion for the sexual world that adults lived. All my friends were much older than me, especially open -mind people who participated in festivals like Kiwiburn, had polyamorous relationships and danced back at Lolz only parties. I had a lot of respect and admiration for my friends and wanted to be considered one of them. A 32 -year -old man accepted this invitation.

I thought he was attractive and began to feel excited and shy around him, and perhaps a little flirting. It happened that he did not mind that I was 15 years younger than he and the age of high school; He returned my energy. We started sending messages to each other, which quickly turned into long conversations every night.

Eventually, I decided to send it some pictures of myself. They were no Naked, they were dressed, but with softly provocative images, which for me was a very exciting unknown territory. I still remember how fast my heart was beating when I sent these images. They looked super risks and within the boundaries of what I felt was acceptable.

But he responded as if it was nothing. He wanted more.

I was shocked by the order of its graphic and naked content. It was not something that I felt comfortable doing, and it was not something I would have suggested or felt organically inclined to do. I had never revealed myself to anyone, much less online. He would later find that the sending of nudes under 18 is illegal. But I felt that what this man was offering me was the door I was looking for in a new world, and I didn’t want to look like it wasn’t worthy.

So, in the end, I forced, and our secret virtual connection made for months. Many times, after sending him the photos and the videos he asked for, I felt very disgusting and embarrassed, and wanted the content to go out of the world and both from our minds forever. I still do sometimes. But at the same time, I felt the huge race of emotion in finally being looked like an adult. Now I can see, he could have participated in it because it wasn’t.

After the story came out in our circles, he was very frightened by his public image and began to ignore me and pretend that nothing had happened, which went beyond harmful and distressing. Very few people thought of checking me and further investigating the experience I had, and silently swallowed my anger and pain when used and then swept the rug.

He, on the other hand, became very expressive about how difficult he was having and I watched my community move on his support. I needed to support myself, but because of him, I kept the relationship for so long that I didn’t know how to bring it to people. I was really struggling with my mental health and felt isolated and alone, just wanted some love attention. I started acting impulsively and out of character compared to just a few months earlier, throwing myself in many risky sexual situations with people I barely knew, looking for this love attention.

I started to stay with a man who was 28 years old. Because he was older and I was younger, he was teaching me what sex meant and what was expected of me. It happened that sex meant waiting a lot of pain and doing things you really didn’t want to do. But I figured it was normal and I continued approaching his house to be placed through it, although I was sore and injured later. We never had significant conversations about what I wanted before he did these things, and I didn’t feel I could talk for myself. Eventually, since we were together, when I knew it was coming and was full of dread, I forced a quiet “hurts”. How did he answer? “You can accept it.” I learned to disregard my own experience, just as he did. Similar things happened to two other men that year, once in a club in the hands of a stranger (I had used an older friend’s ID) and once in the hands of a 34 -year -old man who offered to take me home after a party because he was drunk but took me to his house.

It took me years to realize that this was an attack. It took me years to realize that I wasn’t really the adult I thought I was 17, because you can’t see your own immaturity until you grew up. In my experience with power imbalance as a teenager entering a woman, the same power used against me was also what attracted me. I was vulnerable, and the attention of these older men meant much more to me than mere pleasure and intimacy.

So why did I defend these men for both them and others? I wanted to protect the same dynamics that hurt me, which led me to act under coercion or submit to bad things, because I clung to what I felt that I needed the experience. It is not acceptable to call someone a victim when this is not a label they identify with, but sometimes it takes time to realize the true nature of what happened to them.

A chilling article detailing the rape allegations being charged against Neil Gaiman left in Vulture earlier this year. After reading, I prepared for the answer he would receive, particularly about the messages that the main complainant, Scarlett Pavlovich, had sent Gaiman. She assured it was consensual. She said she had fun. She told him not to worry about her accusing him of anything. These are the messages in which he is strongly supporting his defense and that they were used as a reason to question his allegations in the on -line discussion.

I can see my own story in hers, but on a much larger scale. What kind of elevation a world famous author, a millionaire, a man established in his fifty years, offering a disproportionate, unemployed, mentally unstable and very young woman? What did someone’s attention, someone with celebrity and respect status, meant for a girl who was suffering a lot and needed loving attention, who cut off her family and described how hungry touch and love without community? I really don’t know why I’m not Scarlett, but if I had to guess I think it would be extremely significant. So significant that you can pretend that the enormous pain and invasion inflicted on you was not real, just to cling to the illusion that you are being removed from your isolation in a fantasy world where you will be loved and careful.